I almost wish...

..that I could just puke and get it over with. Since week 2 or so, I have been feeling wicked nauseous in the mornings, although usually it is before I put food in my tummy. Also for a bit there it was during, until I discovered that bagels and cream cheese agree with me heartily now in the morning. Until today. I feel so gross that I actually had to call out from work. I already laid down for a while on the bed until the last wave passed. I feel kinda bad because it is such an important day today there seeing we are having a visit from corporate and whatnot, but my tummy and my baby are much more important than that.

Although I do think that if I just went and puked I'd feel better.

I'm dizzy, having hot flashes every so often, slightly blurred vision and my tummy is doing flips and flop all accompanied by a symphony of heartburn style belches. I feel like I have a fever as well, but nope; 98.7F.

First doctor visit is next week, Jan 7th at 11:30AM, so hopefully we can shed some light on what is going on with my body and also get a better idea of when I actually conceived. I say I'm due mid-August..we'll see what the doc says. And I am very excited to report that Scott will be coming with me for the initial visit! I told him that I'd appreciate every visit he could make, although I don't expect him to be there 100% of the time seeing he has to work and take care of us that way, but his efforts would be most appreciated. He actually wants to go to as many appointments as he can, so I'm excited, and grateful.

The never ending headache..

So like at clockwork everyday for the past week I get this headache that over the course of the afternoon and evening morphs into something that resembles a migraine-on-the-way. Horrible. The worst one so far was Christmas Eve when I had to excuse myself from festivities to lie down in the dark and the quiet for a bit..making the excuse of, "I'm so exhausted from work and blah blah blah.." I think Scott's family bought it..at least I hope so.

And the whole not drinking wine/beer in front of people I know is awkward as well. I keep telling people I'm just dehydrated..which isn't a lie actually because I am. Like I wake up in the morning, I choke down my breakfast, brush my teeth and my mouth is sticky..like hangover sticky...and by the time I get to work I could possibly drink Lake Superior.

So because I have been addicted to the water bottle as of late, Scott bought me a camelback brand forever water bottle, complete with a straw..you know no BPAs or whatever leeches out of reused regular water bottles. I love it! So conveneent and it holds 250mL, which is fabulous! Oh, and it's pink too.

So yeah, I know I have to wait until January 7th for the doc to tell me what sorts of painkillers to take..but it's so awful; I can't live like this... So. Much. Pain.

Nausea

So today I felt the first wave of nausea while in the process of consuming my hearty breakfast of 1 egg plus 2 egg whites, on a whole wheat tortilla with 2 slices of cheese, flanked by my famous home made hash browns. Sadly, half my burrito is still sitting on my plate, and during each bite I felt a wave a nausea and my gag reflex kick in. I am still trying to finish it though, seeing I do need all the protein I can get whenever I can get it, so one small bite at a time and hopefully I will be able to choke this thing down. However, the highly acidic orange juice is absolutely no problem. Weird.

I have been burping a lot lately, like those small heartburn burps.

I have also been feeling very tired lately. Conking out on the couch while watching tv during the day for like 15 minute intervals. When I'm at work, in the later stages of my shift, I am a zombie and really don't give a rats ass about educating my customer and the like. I just sit back and let them do whatever, only answering questions when absolutely necessary.

One great thing right now is I no longer feel the need to "suck in" while I am sitting or standing. You know that everyone does it; they suck in the gut, wether it's a real or imagined one, when they are sitting or standing. I really don't care anymore..whatever. Let it go. It will go on it's own accord sooner or later.

II

OK so I know it has been a while since I have posted and well I guess that is ok seeing there is no one but me reading this anyways....

We have been quite busy in this house with prepping and hosting Thanksgiving and then going away on vacation for a week so I am glad, ok not glad to be back from white sandy beaches, crystal blue waters and green turtles, but glad to able to post something..finally.

I got 2 pink lines this morning. *GuLp*

Scott nearly fell over. The mixed look of terror and surprise that was on his face was priceless. I couldn't help it. I laughed at him. he said something to me like, well you're just taking this all in stride..and I was like well, the test really didnt' surprise me in all honesty..it's weird..I can't really say why or put my finger on it..it just confirmed something I think I already knew.

I know I need to call the OB/GYN so they can validate the findings and all that jazz, however, when I called work this morning for my schedule my new boss first said, "Oh you're coming in tonight." And I said, "There is no way that is happening seeing I asked for today off." So after 10 minutes on hold she finally concluded that she had no idea what was going on and said, "we'll call you back." OK well HELLO, it's been over 5 hours now..doncha think you'd have it under control by now? Alas I am going off on a tangent...

Basically I'd liek to call the doc and I can't without knowing my scheduale. Color me annoyed.

Bah..

So I had my lovely period for all of 4 days and I have been spotting ever since. What gives? Like sorry but that does not make me feel sexy enough to have sex thanks. So no baby making has occurred all month. Lame..I know..so like..no sex since Nov 6th..ok well Nov 3rd..you got me on that one.

Sadly this is actually quite normal in this household..the lack of sex..no idea why..this whole baby making process is like a job..a chore even..like just get it over with already...no desire to have sex..none at all. But then again, like I said, that's normal for this household. Sigh...

Spotting..

"Honey..watch the white sheets", he said as he slipped out of the room to 'clean up'. Huh?

Oh..you mean watch them because I'm apparently now spotting and had no idea until we were done having sex. Nice. Now the nice new white sheets are spotted too.

So I have been spotting since Nov 1st..no clue why..I took a test for shits and giggles and got the old one pink line again..so whatever..but I'm not due for my period until Nov 9th. So who knows?

However, I do remember the last week of October feeling my insides shift around as I was pushing the lawnmower..no idea what that was all about. And no, it was not gas.

EDIT: 15 minutes after I posted this blog I gt my period in FULL FORCE. There is something just wrong about bleeding down your hand while inserting a tampon.

Sex, sex and more sex.

OK so according to the aforementioned Fertility Calendar, I was supposed to be as ripe as a Georgia peach this past weekend.

So we did it. A lot. Like to the point where I just wanted to be left alone. Why is that fun?

I guess the ends justify the means, right? We'll see..

When is one really fertile?

So I found this website that can calculate when one is deemed to be the most fertile. I have no idea if it actually works yet, seeing as I just found it. I suppose we will try out the method this month. It can even tell you how to try for a boy or a girl.

Funny how according to the site an "old wives tale" seems to be rearing its head:
Missionary + no woman orgasm at all = girl
OR
doggie style + woman orgasm first = boy.
What happens if you are the type of person who has orgasms in missionary and not in doggie style? Paternal twins? Dear Lord!

So anyways..according to this calendar...first day of my last period was Oct 12 2008 and I am on a 28 day cycle...so that means if trying for a boy or a girl (I'll just do the simple one here) I am most fertile between Oct 21st and Oct 28th..some days more fertile than others with actual Ovulation happening on Oct 26th. Then adding my 28 day cycle, if I am not bleeding like a stuck pig on Nov 10th then according to this calendar I should be pregnant. We shall see.

Anyways, for you reading information, pleasure..or laughter..
Fertility Calendar

Weekend Getaway

So Scott and I had a long weekend last weekend, spending it with my parents on one of the islands off the coast of Massachusetts. It was nice to be away for a bit, plus me not seeing 2 pink lines about 2 weeks ago made it much easier to look my mom and dad in the eye when speaking to them. As disappointed as I was to not see those 2 lines, I was equally relieved not to have to 'lie' all weekend. The questions would have been inevitable..

"Why don't you have a cocktail?"

"No wine tonight?"

"Since when don't you eat seared tuna?"

I seriously could not bear trying to think up reasons' WHY' so in a selfish sort of way I was thankful.

Tests & Tampons

Gah..ok so "the test" was lurking in my bathroom taunting me with its presence, so I HAD to take it. Plus Scott was going to the liquor store and asked me if I wanted to come, so I had to see if the trip was worth it, you know? And seeing I was due for my period in 2 days anyways, I took the test and kaputz ..one line..no baby. Oh well..so I drowned my sorrows in some Old Speckled Hen. Although I have to say I didn't feel any different, but I had to be sure that it was ok to buy myself beer, you know?

The first period after stopping the pill is in a nutshell..disgusting. First off..I had a headache that made it seem like my eyeballs were going to pop out of my head, you know..like how a migraine starts? Effin' terrible. Then the next day this hellish spawn of a headache turned into a period that gave the headache a run for it's money. Oh. My. God. I bled through Super Absorbency tampons in a matter of 2 hours and I felt like I had to pee really bad the whole time, but I know I really didn't have to it was just the, well, YOU KNOW. So I put a new Super in and bounded up some toilet paper in the crotch of my undies and to the drugstore I go to buy Super Plus and panty liners. Dear Lord those Super Plus are BIG. "Oof", is all I can say about that insertion.

No help from the Monster In Law?

So yesterday Scott and I were lolling about and chatting about everything from gardening to putting in a pool (stay-cation here we come!) to future vehicles. He got the notion that in about 1 year after the child is born we could somehow go on a short vacation with just him and I. Mind you I'm not even pregnant yet and he is already talking about this sort of thing. So seeing we live in southern New England, we have lots of options available to us, however what I suggested was a 3/4 day cruise to Bermuda. No airfare, just park the car in NY/NJ and go to the terminal.

Then I said how nice it would be seeing it's on the way, to drop said child off at HIS parent's house for the weekend. How happy they would be (so I thought) to have some one-on-one time the child without anyone else to interfere with it.

HA!

He says to me: My mom already told me she isn't helping us.

WTF is that all about?! I mean seriously.

He says; "We'll probably have to drive to your parent's house and then to NY/NJ to do that." Uh..my parents live like 1 hour outside Boston. You're crazy Mister!

So I said; "Well then if they are over visiting and the child shats in his diaper is she going to try and hand him/her over to ME?"
He just looked at me with a smirk as if to say, "well of course!"
I said; "No way..if you're holding the bomb when it goes off you are the one to change it, and that goes for everyone."

Am I expecting too much? I mean it's not like his parents WORK or anything, mine both have full time jobs still. Cripes..

Hormonal

So as I mentioned in the previous post, after 15 or so years I have stopped taking the pill. Sounds simple enough, eh? Hardly! I can not believe what a 180 my personality seems to have taken. Everything makes me angry. My mouth has a mind of it's own and I can't seem to stop it from opening when it should be closing. The worst part is; I don't care. I did however apologize to my husband yesterday, but not because I felt any remorse, but because I felt I had no choice.

I have always been that person who was able to take 2 steps back and process prior to adding my 2 cents into the conversation, now it seems I'm giving you an entire dollar and then asking for a refund. It's horrible, and yet I can't stop.

Was I like this before I stared taking the pill? I have no idea..I can't remember that far back.

I did speak with my husband before I stopped taking the pill that I had no idea how the lack of hormone was going to affect me, if at all, so I do feel a bit better knowing that he had fair warning. Is this my way if excusing my behavior? Absolutely not. Those of you who have experienced this know that, and those who have not- you wait and try not to pass judgement; your time will come.

Discharge?

"Many women have a little bit of discharge daily which can be quite normal. Sometimes during hormonal changes the discharge may become a little heavier and somewhat gelatinous in texture but have no smell or other symptoms associated with it. Often this occurs during or after pregnancy."

Well that's a relief. The other day I went to the bathroom and had a large chunk of of looked like clear gelatin hanging from my nether regions. I thought it was quite odd. No smell though. I chalked it up to hormonal changes Seeing I have stopped taking the pill. I have been feeling quite crampy as well, which I also chalked up to my body adjusting to the lack of my birth control pills.

It feels like the first time..(sang to the tune of Foreigner)

I'm Mary and my husband's name is Scott. We have been married since 2005. This is our story.

About 5 months ago we made a conscious decision to start a family.

I went and did it..I got a Brazilian. Where there is pain there is pleasure, right? I know sex will become more of a chore now than the proverbial "roll in the hay", so I wanted to make it as "fun" as possible.

Well we tried making a baby for the first time the other night. It was weird. You know..sex with consequences. No one wanted to initiate it; no one made the first move. Eventually I did.

We laughed a lot. We laughed until the point we started to tear up. It was like my husband was a whole new person. So awkward. It was even more nerve wracking than losing my virginity, but yet had that same, "let's just get it over with" feeling. I couldn't even open my legs! I found that I needed to be in control of the situation in order for things to progress.

I'm sure sex with my husband will feel natural again soon enough, but how long will that take?